Not this again

More than two years ago I was in one of the worst emotional states of my life. Not only had my closest relative outside of my immediate family just died, the boy I was dating – the love of my life at that point – disappeared from my life almost completely. During this time I felt so emotionally vulnerable I was almost sick. Indeed I had a disease of the heart. It seemed like a struggle to get up and eat breakfast in the morning. Beautiful and sunny days seemed to only further clarify the dark state I was in. I did not feel I could enjoy them, and the fact that the pain I felt could have this affect on me made me feel entirely helpless.

I have since departed from these darker pastures, but it has taken me awhile to get over everything. Even thinking about feeling like that again is terrifying. I have never felt so low, so helpless, so unenchanted by the world. Something happened to me that made me something other than myself and ever since I have done everything I could to never again meet that person again.

Unfortunately, we almost crossed paths yesterday and today…and maybe the use of ‘almost’ is more hopeful than it is accurate.

Lately I have felt more free with my emotions. I recently decided I could no longer hold back and avoid being hurt. Holding back had lead me to unfortunate places such as unloving relationships and boredom. In effect, it seems I went out of my way to date people I didn’t actually care about. I wanted to be safe.

In February, I met someone who made me feel quite differently. At first I didn’t really notice him, but one day I began to feel something different. I wanted him incredibly. We had a wonderful time, and I transformed into someone I haven’t been in an even longer time than that sad self: the care free open me. I let my guard down.

Unfortunately, things got a little messy. He started paying less attention to me, and I felt he was not interested anymore. This made me feel awful. I refused to communicate with him (wouldn’t text or call him), but longed for him to call me to hang out. After awhile of things being weird and him being ‘busy’ I assumed things wouldn’t work out. But in some way we both did communicate throughout this time..and eventually I told him that no one is  THAT busy.

Then he came over. Then things were fine. He went to my birthday party.

When things went well again, I was overjoyed. I felt like I was a teenager again. It is wonderful to feel this way. I cannot even tell you. He told me to go with the flow. I came to feel like I had been the cause for all the previous worry. It was my fault. I was just taking out my past experiences on him. I just had a hard time being vulnerable and clear about my emotions. I was trying to hide, and in doing so I was making things more complicated.

But after yesterday I realize things are not the way I thought they were. In a way he is very much like the boy who last broke my heart: he’s selfish and inconsiderate. Yesterday, I waited to hear from him about some very important plans we made to finish up my movie. Apparently his phone died in Marin. He was suppose to return to SF to see me. He never did.

The strange thing was that I felt it in the air previously. Somehow I knew he was going to ditch me. But why? Why did I think that? I got angry at myself for the paranoid thoughts, but somehow they came true.

Being neglected is horrible, especially since just picking up the phone and saying “I’m busy,” is just so easy. In truth, reducing this hurt just really isn’t that hard to do. It doesn’t take a lot of effort. I don’t know what I will do with this person. All I know is that I don’t deserve to feel this way, and that I am going to make sure it doesn’t happen again.


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