This is all about me. So why am I writing after months and months of not doing so? Because I’m devoted to doing something that’s all about me and that doesn’t necessary gain me anything at all. Because I deserve it. I’m not special or anything. You deserve it too, and we all deserve to write without thinking anyone will see it. We all deserve to look at a computer screen for something that is for us rather than for some company or project or wada lada du da. That’s that.
So after not having written anything of personal value for well, A VERY LONG TIME, I have returned to the idea that I need to do this rather regularly.
I just read over some of my most recent blog writings. I always have to get reaquainted with what I wrote and the person I was back then because I change so drastically in such a short period of time – this is a major trend in my life which had clear benchmarks when I lived in the east coast and there were seasons (fall me was different than summer me, for instance).
The me in August is very different from the me that was writing in April. I am can try to explain what happened. I worry that I might degard it, or that it may just seem like any other change, but trust me, this one was big. This one was the one I needed.
I don’t exaclty know when it started. I split from my lover. I moved. I pitched my first big movie to a film company. I made an amazing friend I hope to know forever. I started to get positive feedback from my employers, even though they have no intention, even today, of keeping me on past my contract. It started in July, and somehow, by the end of July a new me had set course.
I guess that is a lot of good things! So what changed? Externally, quite a lot, but the most radical change was internal. For a long while now I have been living in the past. Yes, I am this ambitious woman who yearns for a film career so there is a great deal of thinking about the future, but what about the now. The now was drenched in the past. In truth, I had not gotten over the death of my neice, nor had I gotten over the heartbreak that I experienced at that time. Most importantly, I was just not able to accept that the world could be a bad place and that I might not always get what I wanted. This was reinforced by the difficult transition to working life after college and given an even greater punch once the economy went to shit.
Basically, prior to the death of my neice, prior to April 2007, the world was a big bunch of dasies. I didn’t have to look at anything, even myself. If something was bothersome, I’d simply ignore it. It’s easy to do that when you are not paying for your rent and the world hasn’t yet expected you to figure yourself out. When my neice died all of these obligations all the sudden became real. I couldn’t stare at the ceiling at night and pretend they didn’t exist, I could eat them away like ice cream. They were there, and god knows I certainly hadn’t figured out a productive and healthy way to deal with them.
And that is where we begin, how do you take a midlife crisis and figure out a bad way to deal wit it. You follow in my example. At 23 years old, I decided to pursue journalism, because I thought I had to pursue something. I didn’t want to futz around with this or that. I wanted to establish my calling. I didn’t know then but I didn’t exactly know what that was. I put pressure on myself to get this to happen, and though I didn’t finish the work I would have had to do I did get some interesting experiences out of it.
The whole time I was doing this I kept thinking about how I had to be successful. I had to be in a position of authority by age 25, I had to.
The pressure to be something took me over. At times I was more myself. I was focused, I was trying to own my power. I was working hard to prove I could be something. But there was no fun in it. And I don’t like no fun. That’s not me.
I almost fell into another trap to. I began to think that being a successful smart woman did not mix with being attractive, or at least being the type of woman that men wanted. I started to think that men only wanted stupid women, and so I stopped thinking of myself as sexy. Worse yet, I started thinking of myself as old. Unlike them I was wise to the evils of the world, that men who said they loved you could one day disappear and that you would wake up and find out you’d done nothing and there was no time. The fact that I knew this made me feel old, made me feel unable to connect with other people my age. I do not know what kind of trap this is, whether it be one of the patriarchy or ageism or what, but I must say for the love of your life and everything don’t fall into it!
When I left my awful but high paying job in 2008 and ran off to Mexico to eventually discover that I wanted to be a filmmaker things were on the uprise, but there was still much needed for me to come to where I am now.
Somehow, and I am saying this more clearly now that I’m actually writing it down, I must have been afraid of real responsibility and success. I remember now that when I was trying to be a journalist, in spite of having produced my food blog, I still never solicited magazines for publication nor did I take the necessary steps to create the appropriate writing samples to make myself really stand out. I guess I didn’t want it that badly. Likewise, initially with film I tried to take the easy way out by simply applying to school. Without having really known it, I was trying to find someone to figure this stuff out for me so I wouldn’t have to apply the effort myself. That would be scary.
[Over the years I look back in my pursuit of responsibility and careers. I have done a lot of things. Many times things didn’t work out. I kept asking myself when I’d get my big break. I think the answer is that I am lucky that I didn’t in many cases. I have squeezed more than enough lemons, in fact my backyard could be a compost yard for them all alone by this point, and in doing so I’ve come to learn a lot about myself. Unfortunately, it has taken quite a bit of time to apply this knowledge, but I am hopeful that it will all continue to make sense. ]
In any case, my initial interest in film was also governed by film. I wanted things to be easy. I didn’t compliations like life and death and diasaster. I didn’t like the way those things looked. Fortuantely, working on sets gave me a change of perspetive. I could not believe how much I actually enjoyed the work and the responsibility. When I was preparing to make my first film in April I was terrified. On the actual shot day I thought it was one of the best days of my life. I also said this on August 8th, the first day I was shooting my most recent picture.
I think it is the sheer joy of doing what I do that has liberated me amongst other things. Finally, I came to realize that we do what we do because we love it. There is no other reason to do it. All these attempts to make a career out of something you are not sure you really want. If you really want something I guess you stick your neck out for it, and that’s what happened with me and film.
I started to realize that I just had to do what I am doing. This was the first time when I felt like I knew the right thing to do to get to where I wanted to go. It was the first time that people said “You’re on the right path”. But more than anything, whether or not I make money, or anything like that. I know that this makes me happy.
Then there’s this love thing. I have spent so much of my damn time trying to reconcile and make sense of my love life. After this last fling, the first one that made me feel in quite some time, I realized that I can’t put this kind of pressure on myself anymore. It’s not that I am not accepting love into my life (well maybe I’m not who really knows) it’s that I am no longer seeking it. This last relationship made me feel really bad about myself. I never doubted my worth, but I kept going back. He didn’t treat me badly, he just didn’t love me, and I couldn’t accept that.
Then something hit me. Who cares? Life is really short. As long as you are doing the things you love, and going after the things that you feel are right for you, what’s the point of all this worrying? And most importantly, don’t waste your time on things and people that don’t make you feel good – esp. if you’re not getting paid to do them. I reevaluate my life all the time with these principles in mind now, and I am far less stressed.
Now I am constantly excited by new ideas and people, and all the things I can do. It is limitless, and these days I have the tools to accomplish it. Most importantly, I feel I have a lot easier time connecting with other people because I have more to say for myself. I feel I am a very passionate person and that this is obvious, which of course makes me happy. I like to inspire excitement in others if I can. I also feel way more inclined to connect with others who feel the same way as myself. Meeting these people has been truly extraordinary. I guess these are the types of friends and people I’ve been waiting for my whole life. I just needed to become myself to meet them.
I think I’ve come to the point of blabbering now. I really have ran out of steam here, but I needed to write this general entry. I may go into it more later, but I’ve wanted to write about this for the past few weeks because I feel so blessed after the hard times and the years of living in fear of a loveless life, with no accomplishments.
Now, if only I could find a way to get a car to drive cross country…